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Discussion Starter #1
No dirty jokes now :oops:

I'll start:
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A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."
 

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Discussion Starter #2
While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."

Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."

The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"

The policeman calmly wispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."
 

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A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
 

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A guy walks in to a Bar




and says ouch :-D
 

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A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the pretty flowers and blue sky, when it suddenly dawned on him that he was dead. He got to thinking and he remembered dying, and that dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill they saw a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate,and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he got close enough, he hollard, "Hey fellow where are we?"

"This is Heaven," the man answered. The old man said,"Well look a here, you have any water?"

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man waved, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend come in too?" pointing at the dog. I'm sorry sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road, and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of a another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been shut. There was no fence.

As he walked up to the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree, reading a book. "Hey fellow, You got any water?"

"Yeah,sure, there's a pump over yonder, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the old man pointed at the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old - fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The old man filled the water bowl and took a good long drink, then he gave his dog some. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man that was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the man asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered

"Well that's confusing," the old man said. "The man down the road there said that was Heaven too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold streets and pearly gate? Nope, that's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name that way?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."
 

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A frog hops into a bank and asks to see a loan officer.
A woman comes out and introduces herself
"Hello Mr. Frog. my name is Ms Patty Whack. How may I help you?"

Frog "I would like to get a loan"
Ms. Whack "Certainly, what is your name?"
Frog "Rebbit Jager"
Ms. Whack "Do you have any collateral?"
Frog "All I have is this small porceline fiqure of an Irish fidler"
Ms. Whack " hmmmmm... I'll have to check with the manager"
Ms. Whack to Bank Manager "This frog wants a loan but he only has this thing as collateral. What is it?

Bank Manager "It's a Knick Knack Patty Whack give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone"
 

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whitetiger7654 said:
Texas that is more of a moral story than a joke. It was good though. Thanks for sharing.
I know, but I thought about it after the dog thread. What can I say...

TA
 

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Discussion Starter #10
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.
 

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Two Irish guys are in a New York City bar. They are the only customers. The first Irish guy asks the second Irish guy, "How long have you been in the city?"

The second Irish guy says, "One year." The first guy says, "One year?! I've been in the city for a year as well. Let's toast to being in the city for a year!" They both down a shot of Irish whiskey. The first guy asks, "What part of Ireland are you from?"

The second guy says, "I'm from County Cork." The first guy says ,"I'm from County Cork as well! Let's drink to Cork!" They both down another shot. The first guy asks, "What town in Cork are you from?"

The second guy says,"I grew up in the town of Kinsale."

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!!" the first guy exclaims. "I grew up in Kinsale as well! Let's drink to Kinsale!" They both down another shot. The first guy asks, "On what street did you live?" The second guy says, "I lived on Carney Street." "I can't ****in' believe it!" the first guy says. "I lived on Carney Street as well! Let's drink to Carney Street!" They both down yet another shot.

All of a sudden the telephone rings and the bartender answers it. "Oh, hello, Boss. No, it's pretty quiet, except the O'Brian twins are here, drunk again."
 

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Top 14 things heard from a Klingon Programmer:

1. Specifications are for the weak and timid!

2. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.

3. Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!

4. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes', leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.

5. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.

6. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak. Bugs are good for building character in the user.

7. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!

8. By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!

9. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!

10. Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!

11. Our competitors are without honor!

12. Klingon multitasking systems do not support "time-sharing". When a Klingon program wants to run, it challenges the scheduler in hand-to-hand combat and owns the machine.

13. Perhaps it IS a good day to die! I say we ship it!

14. Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Three guys are fishing in the Caribbean. One guy says, "I had a terrible fire; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."

The second guy says, "I had a terrible explosion; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."

The third guy says, "What a coincidence. I had a terrible flood; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."

The other guys turned to him with confusion and asked, "Flood? How do you start a flood?"
 

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How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"
 

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Math 1950-2007


The evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:



1. Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?




2. Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?




3. Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?




4. Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.




5. Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of$20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? ( There are no wrong answers )




6. Teaching Math In 2006

Un hachero vende una carretada de madera por $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

:lol:
 

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How to have fun at walmart


1. Take boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they're not looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and say in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... and watch what happenes.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously; loudly hum the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yell "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least ....

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, then yell very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
 

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Discussion Starter #18
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

"Hold it, hold it," the fellow said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county government," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."

"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn't mean we can't work, does it?"
 

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Why females should avoid a girls night after they are married:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh ****.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
 

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Discussion Starter #20
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
 
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